Fighting Fair: The Art of Love in Relationships

In the tapestry of human connections, relationships are both our greatest joy and our most challenging endeavor. When two imperfect beings come together, conflict is inevitable. The question isn't whether we'll fight, but how we'll fight. Will we fight with our partner, or will we fight for our relationship?

The journey of love is not always smooth sailing. Even the most devoted couples face storms that threaten to capsize their bond. Consider the story of a newlywed couple, deeply in love, who found themselves embroiled in a heated argument just six months into their marriage. Over something as seemingly trivial as holiday traditions, they argued for 159 miles on a road trip, culminating in a moment of frustration where a cell phone was thrown out of the car window.

This anecdote illustrates a profound truth: the honeymoon phase doesn't last forever. Sooner or later, reality sets in, and we're faced with the challenge of navigating through the complexities of sharing a life together. But here's the crux of the matter – it's not about finding someone you'll never fight with; it's about finding someone you want to fight alongside for the rest of your life.

So how do we fight fair? How do we ensure that our conflicts don't erode the foundation of our love? The answer lies in understanding and embodying the true nature of love as described in 1 Corinthians 13.
"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

This passage isn't just beautiful poetry for wedding ceremonies. It's a practical guide for navigating the choppy waters of relationship conflicts. Let's break it down into five essential rules of engagement:

1. Don't be prideful: Love doesn't envy or boast. Pride is the root of comparison and competition in relationships. Instead of looking at what others have or boasting about our own contributions, we need to cultivate contentment and humility.
2. Don't be mean: Love is not arrogant or rude. In the heat of an argument, it's easy to let harsh words fly. But speaking demeaningly or disrespectfully only escalates the conflict. Remember, a gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger (Proverbs 15:1).
3. Don't be selfish: Love does not insist on its own way. Relationships aren't about winning or always being right. They're about compromise, finding middle ground, and putting the other person first. As Philippians 2:3-4 reminds us, "Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."
4. Don't be overly sensitive and unforgiving: Love is not irritable or resentful. If we're constantly walking on eggshells or keeping a ledger of past wrongs, we're building fences instead of bridges. Forgiveness and letting go of bitterness are crucial for maintaining healthy relationships.
5. Don't be focused on failure: Love does not rejoice in wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Instead of highlighting our partner's failures, we should celebrate their successes and growth. What gets celebrated gets repeated.

But love isn't just about what we don't do. It's also about what we actively do. Love always protects each other's weaknesses, believes the best in each other, hopes in the ever-restoring work of Jesus, and never gives up on the relationship.

Protecting each other's weaknesses means covering and supporting rather than exploiting vulnerabilities. Believing the best means giving the benefit of the doubt and seeking to understand before responding. Hoping in Jesus' restoring work reminds us that because the tomb is empty, there's always hope for our relationships. And never giving up means persisting through difficulties, refusing to bail when things get tough.

When we embrace this kind of love – the agape love that Christ exemplifies – we shift from fighting with our spouse to fighting for our spouse. We recognize that our partner isn't the enemy; we have a common adversary who seeks to divide and destroy. By standing together, face to face and shoulder to shoulder, we can resist the forces that threaten to tear us apart.

This journey of love isn't easy. It requires constant effort, forgiveness, and a willingness to put the other person first. But the rewards are immeasurable. A relationship built on this foundation of sacrificial, unconditional love can weather any storm and emerge stronger on the other side.

As we navigate the complexities of our relationships, let's remember that the love we've received from Christ is the love we're called to give away. Our spouse, our family, our friends – these are the first recipients of this transformative love. By embodying patience, kindness, humility, and forgiveness, we create spaces where love can flourish and relationships can thrive.

So the next time conflict arises, pause. Take a breath. Remember the love that has been lavished upon you, and choose to extend that same grace to your partner. Fight fair. Fight for your relationship. And in doing so, you'll be building a love that can stand the test of time – a love that bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.